Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Ketakutan melumpuhkan saya

Assalamualaikum,

As stated in my older blog post, Saya dah ada lesen memandu.. Which is "keperluan" untuk setiap orang pada masa kini? Maybe. 

Well, semasa saya dalam lecture hall (mula-mula asasi 2014 dulu) saya lupa subjek apa.. And I got a call from my dad. I don't answered it because I was in that hall. So, I whatsapp-ed him and asked why he called me and I cannot answer it. Immediately he said that he wanted a photocopy of my IC and my licence and told me that he wanted to buy me a brand new car.. I'm like.. What?! Err, I'm not sure how to react. But yea.. It turns out that he bought me Perodua Viva S. 

Sejujurnya.. Driving is one of my biggest fear. I am thankful to have my licence, to have supports from my bro that helped me alot during my driving lesson. But still, it is my fear. My mind keep telling me I can't. That is the problem with anxiety. It pulled you out of most of the thing. In my life, I have a lot of fear. And this is one of them. And to be honest, I am sad about myself. People around me enjoying themselve, but why I can't be like them? I feel totally separated and isolated.

Abang A's, Abang U's and Masturah's. Triplet! 

This kinda mental illness can be cured which basically deal with that fear! As simple as that. You know what, I got my licence not a smooth process as they said.. Success is 99% failure! And yes. Maybe in my case is pretty uncommon which is I failed at very first of the process which is bumped me out! Ujian rabun warna? Who have thought that I am the one who failed that test. It burst me into tears. There was a long post that I wrote about it so yea. And people said I am weird.. T__T" I do, sometimes.. What I didn't told people yet is what makes me say No No to driving. 

So, saya pergi kelas praktikal saya seperti biasa. Saya memandu dalam litar. It went smooth at that time until.. one moment when I accidentally press the gas pedal. And it accelerates and hit the car infront of me. That was total shock for me. But at that time, I tried to managed the situation calmly with brake and tarik hand brake and I am glad that I can think with my brain instead of panicking. Basically my teacher positive but the others like.. bashed me with negativity.. Sementara menunggu pelajar lain.. saya imbas kembali kejadian tadi and that time, saya rasa I am a huge clumsy! Masa Kak Hawa hantar saya balik saya menangis.. Teringatkan betapa teruknya saya. She is an awesome teacher. She motivates me, she said "Kemanisan kejayaan itu akan lebih terserlah dengan kegagalan yang kita alami. Sampailah dengan dia selitkan surah dan keagamaan. Although kereta dia ada sedikit kecacatan akibat saya. But I have paid for what I have done to her car. Not that much tho.. Alhamdulillah. Balik rumah, I said to my mom and bro. They said it is normal for the learner to have that kinda "accident". Positive. Again! Alhamdulillah.

With all that disaster, akhirnya saya dapat menjalani ujian memandu with flying colours! Yay.. One of the greatest achievements in my life! But still, the heat of that tragedy still comes to my mind and stays. Apart from that, saya juga tak suka alam pemanduan. Is that the word? Just because I hate to be judged by people. And selalu dalam fikiran saya orang akan berkata buruk tentang saya sebab pemanduan saya...  Although saya insan bertuah ada kenderaan sendiri.. Yes, fear paralyzed me. And I refused to drive although I got plenty of time to have some fun and have some ride with my Encik Viva. 

There's a lot of detail that I wanted to write but it will be way to long. So I make it short. Saya sentiasa berdoa dan terus berdoa yang satu hari nanti saya akan jadi seorang pemandu yang cekap dan berhemah. It seems that saya tak akan bawa Encik Viva for my degree nanti.. Maybe... We'll see. Terima kasih kepada abanggggggg yang sentiasa jadi driver and my parents ofcoz! But abang.. dia rajin tunaikan destinasi yang saya nak tuju. My parents like "Suruh abang laa..".

My family dah banyak bising pasal benda ni.. Haha. Bila laa Masturah nak drive. My sister pun dah cakap jangan sampai Encik Viva ni dia yang pandu pulak!

And if you ever wondering yang my Encik Viva will left alone and dusty.. No. It got a lot of love where my bros and my parents drive it a lot as it auto and tini tiny and easy to ride. And I am happy with it.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Kenapa Fattytissue?

Assalamualaikum,

I did a few header.. But these two does not suit my template that good. #rejected header.

Saya tak nak tinggalkan blog ini dengan post yang sedih. So, Saya just nak kongsi sedikit sebanyak tentang kewujudan blog ni. Haha. Baru nak cerita.. Well, they said better late than never!

I started this blog when it was 2011, when I was 15. Saya dapat ilham dari Seri (SMKTDS) which is my new friend yang banyak menulis dalam blog tentang kehidupannya semasa di US. Seronok baca! She's just a wonderful yet beautiful girl :) I miss her. Anyways. Hehe. My first post bukan post yang ada sekarang ni. Saya dah save as draft. Ntahla. Cerita lama-lama saya memang merepek. Hoho. But now, saya dah banyak tapis entry-entry sebelum ni.. Termasuk post yang sekerat jalan punya cerita dan maybe entry kosong yang tersave ada 660 post total! Wow! Haha.. Sebenarnya Giveaways yang saya save as draft banyak gila!

random post yang tak dipublish! 

Active in 2013. Banyak enter giveaways and blogwalking. Masa ni Mariam laa yang membangkitkan semangat nak berblogging. Haha. Since she just made one for herself. My blog berkonsepkan diary, luahan hati, pendapat, pengalaman.. Something to do with myself, just MYSELF! I keep it public supaya orang yang macam saya or mengalami masalah macam saya dapat jumpa saya, I mean they're not alone. Erkk... Haha 

Back to main title! Fattytissue just random thought yang sampai ke otak saya. Dan saya berazam kalau saya ada blog saya nak url fattytissue.blogspot.com! Fattytissue it self actually nasty. Haha. geli kot. Tissue dalam badan. You can imagine those. Don't search the image of it. If not, I am not responsible if you just vomited in front of you computer/whatever it is. Not gonna lie.. Saya dah buat. Nearly puke. But gladly not. Or else if you just added ".blogspot.com" at the back of fattytissue which makes fattytissue.blogspot.com it will appear a cute, pink, girly website. Surely will make you better.. Hehe.

Blog saya pada mulanya hanya diketahui oleh orang-orang terdekat. Err.. tak bercadang untuk menyebarkan kepada sesiapa yang mengenali "watak utama" But.. Haha

At first my blog template is taylor swift! Then, I edited it slowly.. Yes not one day.. It may took me about a week or two. Zaman edit-mengedit ni memang tak habis. Bila rasa dah edit tu.. macam ada yang tak kena.. So memang hobi masa tu edit, photoshop-ing and doodling. Hehe. But lepas jea masuk asasi semua tu dah lenyap. No blog at all. Nak tumpukan perhatian with my study. Poyo pulak. Haha. Biasalah sekolah dulu sekolah biasa jea. So balik rumah boleh cerita keluh kesah. Kat PALAM dah laa internet tenat.. Masa takde. But kawan yang mendengar tu ramai.. So tak kesah sangat pun blog ni. 

Last edit masa tahun SPM tak silap.. Then, my brain dah tak ingat nak edit-edit dah.. And my template is not blogskin. Saya edit secara manual guna edit html. I am quiet impressed how my blog turns out. And tak ada future plan nak ubah lagi. Haha. Saya lebih selesa cerita kat blog. Sebab kadang-kadang tak semua cerita kita boleh cerita kat orang. Orang kan ada perasaan.. yang kadang-kadang secara tak sengaja kita terguris.. Blog ni bukan boleh record intosi suara. Haha, cuma tanda seru yang korang cuba buat andaian dari suara hati.. Haha. Haihh... Really, this blog banyak menyimpan kenangan. I am hoping will keep updating my online diary :) Adios.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Upu fasa 2...

Assalamualaikum,

Saya tak tahu nak sedih atau tiada rasa. Yang pasti bukan gembira. In shaa Allah. Redha ibubapa juga redha Allah, Masturah. The last time saya cerita pasal upu saya kemain kan? Semangat. Now I have no reason nak cerita dengan semangat. Saya cuba terima. And actually I am just fine.. just a little bit emotional plus period. So I am a little bit "over" than usual.

Ayah saya kata "Masturah switch pilihan kedua dengan pertama." Which means tukar farmasi jadi pilihan pertama instead of dietiation. I feel like what? I have to admit that I am sad. Hatiku luluh buat kali kedua. He said that farmasi is more umum while dietitian is specific which is study about diets, foods. He said, for future life better take farmasi. Peluang pekerjaan lebih luas.. I taught rezeki dimana-mana and Allah yang tentukan.. Saya cakap laa jugak why I did put dietitian as my first choice.. But then, I knew he know the best. So.. yea. I have to admit saya dah bayangkan how great it was belajar about dietitian. Which I really passion about. And I had my own reason why I choose farmasi as my second choice. Because, the requirement for farmasi is higher, 3.50. I know that I am ok with that. Just you know what I mean. 3.50 (uitm) ! Absolutely diorang pilih 4.00 flat.. And menghafal semua Biochemist yang tak sudah. Do you think it is fun? I don't know. Dietitian kat uitm pun senior haritu 3.90.. Huh..Saya diselubungi pelbagai emosi.

Tapi, Rezeki kita Allah yang tulis. Kalau Masturah memang ditetapkan dapat dietetik. Tak lari pun dietetik tu.. In shaa Allah. Yang penting doa tak putus. Saya tak ada perasaan marah pun. Cuma sedih.. Sebab saya dah banyak cerita kat kawan-kawan yang saya memang minat sangat dietetik.. Dan saya tahu ayah saya lebih arif.. 
 
Siti Fatimah Masturah Official Blog