Ketakutan melumpuhkan saya
As stated in my older blog post, Saya dah ada lesen memandu.. Which is "keperluan" untuk setiap orang pada masa kini? Maybe.
Well, semasa saya dalam lecture hall (mula-mula asasi 2014 dulu) saya lupa subjek apa.. And I got a call from my dad. I don't answered it because I was in that hall. So, I whatsapp-ed him and asked why he called me and I cannot answer it. Immediately he said that he wanted a photocopy of my IC and my licence and told me that he wanted to buy me a brand new car.. I'm like.. What?! Err, I'm not sure how to react. But yea.. It turns out that he bought me Perodua Viva S.
Sejujurnya.. Driving is one of my biggest fear. I am thankful to have my licence, to have supports from my bro that helped me alot during my driving lesson. But still, it is my fear. My mind keep telling me I can't. That is the problem with anxiety. It pulled you out of most of the thing. In my life, I have a lot of fear. And this is one of them. And to be honest, I am sad about myself. People around me enjoying themselve, but why I can't be like them? I feel totally separated and isolated.
Abang A's, Abang U's and Masturah's. Triplet!
This kinda mental illness can be cured which basically deal with that fear! As simple as that. You know what, I got my licence not a smooth process as they said.. Success is 99% failure! And yes. Maybe in my case is pretty uncommon which is I failed at very first of the process which is bumped me out! Ujian rabun warna? Who have thought that I am the one who failed that test. It burst me into tears. There was a long post that I wrote about it so yea. And people said I am weird.. T__T" I do, sometimes.. What I didn't told people yet is what makes me say No No to driving.
So, saya pergi kelas praktikal saya seperti biasa. Saya memandu dalam litar. It went smooth at that time until.. one moment when I accidentally press the gas pedal. And it accelerates and hit the car infront of me. That was total shock for me. But at that time, I tried to managed the situation calmly with brake and tarik hand brake and I am glad that I can think with my brain instead of panicking. Basically my teacher positive but the others like.. bashed me with negativity.. Sementara menunggu pelajar lain.. saya imbas kembali kejadian tadi and that time, saya rasa I am a huge clumsy! Masa Kak Hawa hantar saya balik saya menangis.. Teringatkan betapa teruknya saya. She is an awesome teacher. She motivates me, she said "Kemanisan kejayaan itu akan lebih terserlah dengan kegagalan yang kita alami. Sampailah dengan dia selitkan surah dan keagamaan. Although kereta dia ada sedikit kecacatan akibat saya. But I have paid for what I have done to her car. Not that much tho.. Alhamdulillah. Balik rumah, I said to my mom and bro. They said it is normal for the learner to have that kinda "accident". Positive. Again! Alhamdulillah.
With all that disaster, akhirnya saya dapat menjalani ujian memandu with flying colours! Yay.. One of the greatest achievements in my life! But still, the heat of that tragedy still comes to my mind and stays. Apart from that, saya juga tak suka alam pemanduan. Is that the word? Just because I hate to be judged by people. And selalu dalam fikiran saya orang akan berkata buruk tentang saya sebab pemanduan saya... Although saya insan bertuah ada kenderaan sendiri.. Yes, fear paralyzed me. And I refused to drive although I got plenty of time to have some fun and have some ride with my Encik Viva.
There's a lot of detail that I wanted to write but it will be way to long. So I make it short. Saya sentiasa berdoa dan terus berdoa yang satu hari nanti saya akan jadi seorang pemandu yang cekap dan berhemah. It seems that saya tak akan bawa Encik Viva for my degree nanti.. Maybe... We'll see. Terima kasih kepada abanggggggg yang sentiasa jadi driver and my parents ofcoz! But abang.. dia rajin tunaikan destinasi yang saya nak tuju. My parents like "Suruh abang laa..".
My family dah banyak bising pasal benda ni.. Haha. Bila laa Masturah nak drive. My sister pun dah cakap jangan sampai Encik Viva ni dia yang pandu pulak!
And if you ever wondering yang my Encik Viva will left alone and dusty.. No. It got a lot of love where my bros and my parents drive it a lot as it auto and tini tiny and easy to ride. And I am happy with it.